What Nobody Told Me About Pregnancy
Ah, the miracle of life… or more precisely, the miracle of creating life. Pregnancy and those 9 months are such a magical time, when your body is doing all these amazing things. Building a whole new human from scratch, supporting 2 hearts, 2 sets of lungs, 4 kidneys, 2 brains without any conscious input from you, all the while allowing you to go on about your life mostly uninterrupted. It truly is amazing what our bodies go through. As for what our minds go through… well, that is a truly harrowing experience at times.
I never really gave pregnancy much thought before I got pregnant. I thought, and still think, that pregnancy and birth are the most natural thing. I, naively, believed that I can go on as usual right until I popped and other than getting a few baby bits, my life wouldn’t actual change that much until after the baby’s arrived. But boy oh boy was I wrong.
People warn you about morning sickness, and needing to pee a lot, and swollen feet. They are quick to say ‘sleep while you can!’ as if you can somehow stock up on sleep… but anyway. There is so much nobody tells you about!
The effect physical changes will have on your mental health, the endless stream of tears for no obvious reason, the way you feel about your work and your relationship with your partner… there’s been so much going through my head lately, that I decided to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys to be more accurate) and share my feelings on the matter. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will read this one day, someone who’s scared and anxious and confused, someone who’s barely holding it together while a little person is kicking them in the ribs, and they will find solace in the fact that they are not alone. So here it goes:
Your body will change a lot and it’s okay for you to be mad about it
I mean we all know women balloon in pregnancy. There are those few lucky ones who just look like they have a beach ball under their shirt but most of us expand everywhere. My boobs are huge, my arms have gone huge, my legs are thicker, I have multiple chins … I have literally expanded 3 sizes everywhere. Naturally, none of my clothes fit. I have a waredrobe full of clothes that I look at wishfully thinking ‘will I ever be able to put on jeans again?’. Every day I wake up and open the wardrobe, I feel a pang of saddness and irritation. So many clothes and nothing to wear. I feel it’s pointless to buy maternity clothes since I know I will only use them for a few months. So instead, I live in the same 3 pairs of leggings and baggy jumpers which in turn makes me feel like a slob.
As someone who takes pride in their appearance, getting dressed in the morning has become torture.
And the body issues don’t just stop at clothing. God no. Even when you look in the mirror you just don’t see yoruself anymore. Instead you see this huge lady staring back at you, with stretch marks crawling up her belly, veiny boobs that don’t look remotely sexy and the chins… so many chins.
I am constantly uncomfortable. Every time I look in the mirror I feel horror at the way my body has changed. And yes I know it’s normal and natural, I know it’s temporary and I know it’s all worth it, but damn it I hate it.
I love my body for what it’s doing and all the amazing ways in which it accommodates and nurtures my baby but I bloody hate the way it looks and no amount of positive self talk or affirmations will ever change that.
And I’ve come to realise that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad and dare I say it, disgusted by your own body while still admiring the amazing work that it does. It’s okay to cry because you feel huge and haven’t seen your own vagina in about 2 months. It’s okay to look in the mirror and cry a little bit. It’s okay to view shaving your legs as an extreme sport now thet the bump is in the way. It’s okay to hate all of this.
You will have questions about your relationships with your partner
Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s the lack of confidence because of your changing body, but you will have some weird feelings and maybe even doubts about your relationship. Some of the questions I have asked myself over these past 8 months have been:
- Does my partner really want to this baby or does he feel stuck with it?
- Since I don’t find myself in any way attractive anymore, how am I supposed to expect my partner to find me sexy and attractive. Maybe he’ll cheat on me?
- How will our relationship change once the baby comes? What if we don’t have time for each other? What if we just become mum and dad and lose those bits of ourselves that made us fall in love in the first place?
- How can we afford this?
Now I feel the need to clarify that I have the most amazing, loving and supportive husband I could ask for. I know he loves me unconditionally, won’t cheat on me and yes, he does in fact want this kid and he’s super thrilled about the arrival. But that doesn’t mean that in the dead of night, when I am staring at the ceiling unable to fall asleep, those awful thoughts and doubts don’t cross my mind. I’d be lying if I said that even though I know it in my bones that this man will never hurt me, in some sick and twisted dark corner of my mind, I don’t play out a scenario where he leaves me for a fit and sexy little thing. While I know that he’s grateful for what I do for our child, the sacrifices and discomfort I endure, I also sometimes imagine him looking at me and thinking ‘ew’ or ‘gosh what have you become’.
I am trying to identify these dark thoughts and compartmentalise them as just that, sick and twisted thoughts based on zero evidance that are painful for me to imagine but will most likely never expreince. I try to be logical and take their power away by acknowledging that all they are is just silly thoughts.
And so while I have never felt so empowered as a woman, this pregnancy has also been a time of deep self-doubt.
You will feel ready, eager and excited to finally meet your baby but you may not feel ready to be a mom
In my head I have this idea that moms are self-sacrificing, devoted, super confident and all knowing, and honestly I am not sure if those are the words I’d use to describe myself. I would say that I am stubborn, and adventurous and sometimes a little bit self-centred and while those are totally fine qualities to have, are those the qualities of a good mom? Am I ready to put someone else before me and my immediate happiness? Am I ready to be a typical mom (whatever the hell that even means)?
I know for myself that I will be an amazing mom, and I have already put this child before me in so many ways, I can’t wait to meet him and love him and spend the rest of my life showing him this amazing world. But am I ready to be labeled as mom? Honestly? No!
So while I feel ready for the baby and this next chapter of my life, in a way I am not quite ready to be a mom. But then again, does anyone ever feel ready?
You will mourn the loss of pieces of yourself
Sure I am gaining a child, and really, isn’t that the fucking best? But I am also painfully aware of all the pieces of me that I will have to let go off one the baby comes. Like work for example.
While I count my lucky stars that I have the opportunity to take 12 months off work, I am also a little bit gutted about the fact I won’t be going to work. I love my job and the fulfilment I get from it. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am and now I fear that taking a year off would set me back. I feel weirdly territorial about giving my projects to someone else. I already feel FOMO for all the office banter I will miss.
My husband and I also love to travel, and while we have every intention to carry on doing that once the baby is here (and COVID is under control), I can’t help but grieve the fact that we won’t be able to just pack a small bag each and jet off Sweden for example, just because we found cheap tickets for this weekend.
I am mourning the loss of that spontaneity and in a way, the freedoms that come with being childless.
You will feel guilty for not loving your pregnancy
I know I do! I get annoyed at myself for feeling sad or frustrated when so many women out there would give anything for the joy of being pregnant. I know that for all my moaning and complaining, I am in an incredibly fortunate position, emotionally, financially and physically. I know that even though my body doesn’t look the way it used to, it has served me brilliantly in growing and nourishing this baby. I know that I am enjoying a boring, uneventful and complications-free pregnancy where my biggest complaint is some back pain and heart burn.
I know I am so so lucky which is why I constantly feel shame and guilty for ever complaining about any of the other feelings I’ve got.
And even though you feel bad in your own skin, you’re plagued by intrusive thoughts, self-doubt and guilt, you constantly think about the things you’re letting go off to make room for this baby, this would be the most amazing time of your life
Yes, I genuinly mean that.
I feel so many things all the time. Physical discomfort, fear, anxiety, but mostly I feel blessed.
No amount of negative self-talk and bad body-image will ever out-weight the sheer joy I feel whenever I feel my baby kick.
No amount of questioning whether my partner feels attracted to me will ever take away from the love I feel spilling from my heart when he talks to the bump.
Even though I love my job and my team, no project will ever come even close to being as important or as exciting as raising my child.
And no matter how much I complain and the whirlwind of emotions I feel, I have never felt as happy and excited about the future as I do right now.
Change, is always uncomfortable. And this is going to be a big change so it’s only fair that the discomfort is big as well. It’s okay to have all those feelings and doubts and it in no way means that you are a bad mom or you don’t love your child.
Trust me, I know mama, I know you love your baby. I know you’ve never loved anything quite this way before and even though you haven’t met your little baby yet, you know it in your bones you love them more than life itself. But it’s okay if you feel all these other things too. I wish I knew that.
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